You know why hurt came first.

There was this girl that i once loved. She was everything i swear, and then she was gone. And she was the last girl i ever loved. Or so i think. Then i was in and out of relationships. Infatuations. I went after them as fast as i get bored. 

There are often alot that i couldn't blog as i'm afraid i will hurt some people..which is why my blog link often changes. 

One girl has been there for me for few years and still is. Yet, what have i given her?

There is another whom i consider as my first ever relationship after i graduated from primary school. She still loves me, according to her although she had been in a few relationships herself.

Why are they willing to give me so much time?

I never let go of them. I gave words that projected hopes and love.

 

Why when I'm not sure of my feelings towards them?

I never wanted a day when nobody loves me although i couldn't return their love.

Why can't i?

I honestly don't know why. After my first love, i could never love a person like how i did her. Therefore i concluded the rest are not love at all. If it were, i would know. There is just this wall that prevents me from getting to the person or rather a wall that prevents people from getting into my heart. Believe it or not, that is the only thing in my life that i couldn't take control of. I always think that it is some part of me which wouldn't allow me to get hurt again. A protective wall.

Why couldn't i stay off relationships then?

I do not know. I just have this habit to want to make the girl im attracted to fall for me, though not that i'm always successful. Maybe i longed for possession. And only when we get together, i start noticing that they weren't the girls i would love. BUT not before i'll tell myself to try to love them and give them the best i am. Giving them the best that i can do, but making myself love them i couldn't. In the end, things fall apart for her.

For the 2 of my exes in Sg.

With Carolyn, there were many times when i thought i love her and maybe i did for quite awhile. I could feel some of what i've felt in the past. I did all what could the best boyfriend do. In the end, truth caught up with me. Things fell apart. For the both of us. I realized that i have not been saved yet after all. She could feel i did not love her. Nevertheless, she was the only one who ever love me that much. If she was my first love, i could've sworn we would last forever. I've always regret since we broke up, i've probably just lost the only girl who would ever be that faithful and that I'm actually so sure of. That's probably why i couldn't bring myself to be with her anymore. I'm not sure about my own feelings for her. She says i love her, i really wanted to believe her, but why can't i feel so. I hate myself for telling her and pretend i still love her even though after we've broke up. Now i would stay away from her. I will not keep her loving me. That's the least of what i can do for her now for loving me with all her heart. Now you would understand why i said we can't be together for now.

With Tricia, after carolyn i felt i needed someone there. Once again i was selfish. My friend got me her number and we started talking with the intention of me having her as my girlfriend. When i really got to know her, i realized she is the strongest girl i've ever met emotionally. I started paying attention and was attracted her. I wanted to help put her life into place but in the end i figured i couldn't even fix my own problems and so i got out fast before we get carried away too far. She would know i refrained from what i could've done. It is not fair. I'm sorry for entering your life and i left for your own good. I care for you.

By now, readers might despise me for what i've done and being so selfish. I must admit I'm an asshole and I'm more concerned about my own desires than the feelings of other people. But through carolyn i've learnt my lesson, and tricia confirmed it. Now i will be single until the day the God lets me love again.

I have came clean. Forgive me people.